What-ev

March 8, 2010

Sigh.

Some teacher saw some spark in me and told my parents that I should get tested. It turns out that I am pretty bright and ever since I was in the third grade I have been told that I am special. That I am bright. Full of potential and oh so talented. Which don’t get me wrong is great, I mean it’s better than being told I am a dumb bunny and should never aspire to be more than some pimps bottom bitch. I’m just saying that it was a lot of pressure and any one who knows me as an adult knows that I don’t handle pressure well.

As a kid I used to think about killing myself a lot. I am sure some of it was brought on in part by all of those ABC After School Specials but some of it was just me being a dark kid. I ran away from home a few times, once for a long as a few days. After the hitchhikers I picked up outside of Huntsville, told me to take my candy ass home I drove to the end of my hole in the highway hometown, took a bunch a sleeping pills and waited to die. I didn’t. So I used the last of my cash for a Whataburger and went home. Knowing that I wasn’t going to be said home anytime soon…I drove slow. Real slow.

Want to know the real reason why I never went through with killing myself (besides my very low threshold of pain and stupidity)? A radio interview with I think Dolly Parton. I remember being fairly young, on punishment, in my room and listening to am radio. I can’t remember the show or how I even came across it but I remember Dolly Parton saying something to the effect that she once thought of killing herself but didn’t because she knew that she was meant for something big and if she killed herself she would never get to know what it was. In my mind if that reason was good enough for Dolly, it was good enough for me.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I am struggling.

I was chatting with a friend  about my job when I worked for the O&G company and she asked, “But Tex, don’t you want more?” Uh, no. At the time I had a rocking good job that matched my 401 dollar for dollar. I had health insurance. A boyfriend that loved me. Friends and family that adored me and a swinging social life. I never defined myself by my job and honestly I was happy. Really, who could ask for anything more?

More.

I have this nagging feeling that I am supposed to be doing more. It has become one of the louder voices in my head. “Tex, you don’t need medication you just need to get up off your duff and do something.” Fuck that. I want the meds. Maybe it will shut one particular voice up.

“Jesus, Tex are you kidding me?! Are you really going to squander your just shy of Mensa, not quite beautiful but cute on a good day mind on bullshit?” Uh, excuse me. Finding new and exciting ways to hide the big zit on my forehead without the use of bangs is not bullshit, thankyouverymuch. Memo to Self: If you are not Carmello, leave the sweatband at home.

“Tex, all bullshit aside. You survived a near fatal auto accident, where they had to cut you out of the car. You survived two golf ball sized blood clots in your lungs. Most people are dead before they hit the floor and you were up, alert and joking with the EMT’s who brought you in within 48 hours! That shit doesn’t just happen. You are here for a reason and to quote your Happy Head Person, ‘You are too smart, and too talented not to be living up to your divine potential.’ Heifer, you are not getting any younger get it together!” Shut up shut up shut up! I don’t hear you. I don’t hear you. La la la la la la la.

Underachiever.

So I realized the other day while boo hooing in my shower that the reason I am chock full of angst is not because I am broke, fat and have unruly hair. The reason I am chock full of angst is because I am a classic underachiever who has no idea what the hell it is I am supposed to achieve. The yearbook answer is, “Tex you can do whatever you want to and put your mind to do!” But what if I don’t know? What if I am tired of playing 20 Questions with the Universe? Would it be so bad if my life purpose was not bigger than a breadbox? Would my life be considered a waste if all I ever did was keep a roof over my head, sushi in my belly and obscure french jazz singers in my iTunes? Me thinks not.

Dark and twisty can be a thing of my past if I just stop chasing this so called potential (that I don’t know what the hell to do with anyway) and just take a deep breath and be.

In the comments: Where do you go on the web to lighten your mood? Send me someplace fun.

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Yesterday

March 3, 2010
  • I slept through my alarm. Had to be Uptown by 6:45. I woke up 6:38 and still made it Uptown by 7:00. BOO YA!
  • The girl inside of me spoke up and said, “Oh! Let’s by this issue of Vogue!”  I didn’t. But I did think about it.
  • I cried when I looked at my eyebrows. Don’t ask.
  • While cleaning out my icebox I found a 1/4 of a bottle of wine. I sang Brass Monkey as I polished it off.
  • I wondered if I could pull off fishnets.
  • My mom laughed at me and my hair…AGAIN. (This deserves a Lexy.)
  • Decided that my waist should really be smaller than my television.
  • Cried. Twice. Before noon.
  • I did ten push ups. Not in a row, silly! But ten none the less.
  • Went on a hunt for flavor syrups. Damn you Spec’s, Whole Foods, Krogers etc.
  • Google some Westside Connection lyrics.
  • Thought about Curvy Jones when I passed the Texas Toast at the Kroger’s
  • Went to bed with a smile on my face and just oh so thankful.

How was your day?

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By The Time You Read This I Would Have Lip Synced For My Life

March 2, 2010

rupaul

Not really. But I would have gone to some fancy-pants networking event where I was required to give a 60 sec speech about myself.

Sixty seconds is a long time and it is no time at all. At my old job I spoke in public all the time but it’s much easier to pimp a product than it is to pimp yourself.

So by the time you read this my belly should be filled with the yummy goodness of applewood bacon and if I didn’t puke on myself because I was so nervous, there should be a job lead or two.

Hula,
Tex

PS: Just letting you know that if I did puke or this went badly, you can find me at Katz’s Deli crying into a Rolling Rock and a short stack.

UPDATE: This was supposed to post at 8:30 am. Here is what happened. Meeting was at 7:00. I woke up at 6:38. Thank GOD I showered last night and had my clothes laid out. Thank goodness my skin is flawless and looks good with no make up because there was no time for primping and I don’t drive and apply.

Got raves on my speech. No job leads. Maybe working at The Starbucks by the end of the week if nothing comes through.

Please send me positive thought and good job vibes.

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Truth In Advertising

March 1, 2010

Diet

So uh…I had a bit of a stressful week  and I uh…hadn’t been counting my points like I should have and I uh…kinda gained a pound. There. I. Said. It.

In the comments: How do you handle stress?

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First: Kiss

February 26, 2010

Tall, Dark & Handsome
His name was Goose, that is what his teammates called him. He was tall, lanky and had the muscles of a budding varsity basketball star. He was super cute and he was my very first boyfriend.

Sigh
We didn’t date very long. I mean if you can call what you do in Jr High dating. But for eight short weeks he’d carry my books, walk me to the bus stop, give me the eyes at lunch and sweaty hugs after basketball practice.

Fancy Meeting You Here
I don’t remember why (most likely leaving the principals office) but I was walking the halls between classes. I ran into Goose and he offered to walk me to my next class.

Location, Location, Location
The Arts building housed the choir, the band and the yearbook geeks. He opened the door and I was assaulted by the smell of old sheet music and band uniforms. In perfect co-ed form I leaned backed against the wall and he placed his hand above my head to lean down so we could talk.

Bells & Whistles
The bell was about to ring. He was leaving and I was now standing by my classroom. He comes up behind me, says my name and spins me around so that I am facing him. He then cups my face in his hands and then delivers the softest, sweetest kiss my fifteen year old mind could comprehend. It was like an ABC After School Special, wrapped in a Seventeen magazine pictorial with a splash of Bogey and McCall complete with the involuntary leg pop!

*SWOON*

I just told you mine. Now why don’t you tell me yours!

XoXo,
Tex
Kissing Couple

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Quick Question

February 25, 2010

What was the last thing you celebrated?  What was the occasion? Was it a huge victory or were you just happy to make it through Monday?

Just curious and if it’s been a while, what are you waiting for!?

What would you celebrate?!

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With an intellect and a savoir-faire

February 24, 2010

Curvy Jones over at DiaryofCurvyJones.com won some fancy pants blog award and after she thanked the Academy, her agent and God she tagged a few bloggers to rattle off seven little known facts about themselves (thus the lyric in the title). Here are mine:

  1. Thanks to Curvy Jones I am now addicted to Criminal Minds. Because of this addiction I think everyone I meet is an unsub! I spent a good amount of time trying to profile my cute boy on Saturday. He tells me he likes my eyes and I move the forks juuuust out of reach.
  2. I am not as clueless about style and fashion as I pretend to be. I was talking to a friend the other day about fashion week and the new spring lines and they were shocked  knew so much. I had to explain that just because I don’t live, breath and eat fashion doesn’t mean I am not aware of it.
  3. I think The Food Channel is fat girl porn and watch very little of it.
  4. I don’t have a favorite movie, book, song, drink etc. I have an aversion to naming anything or anyone my favorite.
  5. I don’t enjoy traveling in groups. Me and one other person is ok. It’s better if I have my own room because I snore like a lumberjack and I don’t need someone busting my balls at breakfast about it. I’m embarrassed enough!
  6. Saint Saens Dance Macabre is dark and twisty but makes me happy. Really happy.
  7. Listens to Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh just because but really enjoys Coast To Coast AM and listens every night. (Don’t judge me.)

Now I am supposed to tag some people to find out their random fun facts! So Sarah, AsianJ and Casey, you are it! Would ask Fringes but she isn’t a fan of the meme.

Hula is the new holla,
Tex

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Enter Sandman

February 23, 2010

I usually blog at night and had started a post on the stigma around mental illness based on my friend Green Eyes blog post. When all of the sudden The Sandman decided he wanted to make sweet sweet love and well…you knows I am a ho for the Z’s so that post will debut tomorrow. In the meantime here are some photos of places I go to when I dream.

Ok, I am Wordpress’s bitch and can’t upload photos (insert sleepy, angry face) so here is a link to one of my dream time happy places.

ENJOY and in the comments, where do you go when you allow yourself to dream?

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I Met A Boy!

February 22, 2010

Saturday I ran the audition process for a movie that I have been asked to work on. After my day was done I went out for pizza and beer with my new friend (and I use the word loosely) Anthony. Turns out that Anthony has passed the venue a few times and saw me through the window. He says, “Every time I passed by there you were smiling. I had to meet you.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I has sneaking shots of vanilla vodka to keep from bursting into tears and besides, flattery will get you everywhere  so away I went. (Didn’t hurt that he was very easy on the eyes.)

Anthony is fascinating and it turns out we have a lot in common. We are both black (shut up Joy, Dom, Kim and Vera) with Latino last names and have funny stories to go with them. We both have/had learning disabilities that made school difficult. We both have cool tattoos, think Trojan Supra Microsheer condoms are the best thing since water based lubes and agree that anytime is a good time for an Irish Car Bomb. Another thing we have in common? We are both open books.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am pretty open about my life. If you ask, I’m gonna tell. Every now and then I’d bust out with something inappropriate but it’s usually with people I know and love. Anthony on the other hand? Let’s put it like this, if I am an open book, Anthony is the Library of Congress. I won’t go into details because they are not mine to give but I will say this: several times during our time together I said, “Dude! Too much too soon!”

Anthony has no filter. It was both refreshing and disconcerting. It was refreshing because he said what was on his mind but he wasn’t an ass about it. No alpha male chest thumping just good old fashion honesty. It was disconcerting because he shared things with me that I wouldn’t share with people I have known all of my adult life. As our time together was winding down I asked him, “So, what happened to your social filter?”

He said, “Tex, I just told you my life story. Why should I hide? People are either going to get me or they are not. You seem to get me but if you didn’t no big deal. You would just be the girl with pretty eyes and a nice smile who I shared a pizza with.” *swoon* It seems as if Anthony has left the tribe. He is what Wayne Dyers calls a Self -Actualized person, someone who is independent of the good opinion of other people. What I wouldn’t give to be independent of the good opinion of other people!

I have some decisions that I have to make in the next few weeks and if left to my own devices I know what I would do. However, I am still very much in the tribe. There are opinions that I still very much care about, some more than others, but still care about none the less. I realized yesterday that a lot of my angst could be alleviated if I would just become independent of the good opinion of other people. Live my life and just leave the tribe already or rather recreate my tribe.

I don’t know if I will ever hang with No Filter Anthony again but I believe that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I think Anthony came into my life as a reminder that it is time for me to become the Self Actualized person I know I can be.

Don’t for one moment think that I am not scared shitless. This could easily blow up in my face and I could easily end up like Howard Fucking Hughes, crazy and alone. Or this could be the first step of me really living my life and the end of the angst.

Peace out party people, and as always I wish you peace within.
Tex

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Better Living Through Chemistry

February 18, 2010

You know how you tidy up the house before the maid service comes I used to try to hide my crazy when I went to visit my Happy Head Person. I know it’s nuts but hello that’s why I am in therapy.

Yesterday I showed up to my session with no make up, no pretense and in a foul mood. I usually try to hide my crank but when Happy Head Person asked, “How you doing?” I flatly told her, “I’m cranky.”

I really didn’t want a session. I wanted to lay on her sofa and look out the window. Had it not cross all kinds of lines I would have suggested that we skip the session and go have a few beers and some nachos. Anyway, I tell her why I am cranky. I’m not working. I’m broke. I’m tired. Blah…blah…blah. She works her magic, I am starting to feel better and then she says the magic words, “How do you feel about antidepressants?” Uh, I feel about antidepressants the same way I feel about sex toys, self help books and bourbon. If it takes you from mental shit hole to actually feeling whole then I say, “Yes. Please & Thank You!” I am all for better living through chemistry.

I have had conversations with friends who believe that you don’t need shrinks or meds, “…you only need Jesus!”  Yeah, I can see their point but isn’t it also possible that Jesus gifted me with a bomb ass shrink? I also have friends who are uber healthy and can cure almost anything but organic food and Bach Flower Essences. I totally believe that roots and berries can cure your ills however if you have a gaping mental wound, organic oatmeal ain’t gonna cut it. At least it has been experience that I need a little bit more.

(Sigh)

Anyone who knows me or any long time reader knows that I have not been myself for a quite a while. If a ’script can get me back to my old self I welcome the change. I don’t fear becoming addicted and the side effects I saw on yougonnadie.com don’t scare me. From what I understand I may only need a low dose. The only thing I ask is that it doesn’t impede my weight loss and it doesn’t fuck with my sex drive. Not that I plan on having sex any time soon I just want the option to get busy if the opportunity presents itself. I’m just sayin.

So do me a favor. In the comments tell me you experience with happy head pills. If you feel comfortable doing so. Did they help? Did it take a while to get the dosage correct? Do you feel that mental meds are for suckas? Do you think I am taking the easy way out? The floor is yours. Tell me what you think.

In the meantime, peace out and as always, I wish you peace within.
Tex

PS: If you don’t want to put your bidness in the streets, shoot me an email at TalkToTex@gmail.com. I really want to know what you guys think.


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