My shrink once told me that I have issues with people who aren’t as smart as I am. I thought she may have gotten into the Blueberry Yum Yum but now I know she is right. I do not suffer fools.

Four weeks ago my teacher told us that we were going to start shooting our first films soon. Nothing big just a short film, no longer than three minutes and it can’t have any dialogue. The only thing we are required to do is tell a good story. Have a beginning, a middle and an end. “Think simple story, but put some thought into it.” So of course after that class,FOUR weeks ago, I have been thinking about my film. But here’s the kickier…It’s not just me. I have to work with a team.

I used to be a team player. My last job kind of sucked that out of me. No, I take that back. My last job showed me that in teams there must be clearly defined roles and for the team to succeed you must know your role.

The week we got our assignment I sent out an email to my teammates saying, “Hey, let’s get organized so that when we come to set we can hit the ground running. If you are directing, send us the script and let us know our roles so we can prep…” The response was minimal and on the day of our first shoot our talent didn’t show up, the director was late and when the director did finally show up they were so flustered that they couldn’t communicate their story idea (which they wouldn’t have had to do had they just sent the script like I suggested). We shot our film and our teacher was underwhelmed. After class I told my team, “Next week, lets come to class with a clear vision. Let me know what you need, send me your idea and I will flush it out. This way we are not wasting a lot of time running around like maniacs.” Again, I got nothing which pissed me off because their incompetence will be reflected in MY grade.

I show up to class and again my director doesn’t have, doesn’t know how to communicate their vision. I am livid but what can I do? The song loop he needed? Could have had it if he had just told us what he intended. Wouldn’t have had to use crew members as actors had he told us he needed two females. And the teacher may not have yelled at us to lower our music because we were disturbing the lecture they were given had he scouted the location!

I am creative but I hate chaos. Two weeks in a row we ran around willie nillie and there was nothing I could do. I wasn’t directing. I had no control. This wasn’t a control freak thing. I wasn’t pissy because I wasn’t calling the shots. I was pissy because no one had control. In the past I would have jumped in and saved the day but it’s wasn’t my job to do so. It’s not my job to save the world, or in this case the film. And as much as I would have loved to have stepped in and filled in the gaps I am very proud of myself for fighting the urge.

Next week it’s my turn to direct. I have secured my talent, I have outline my story, I have edited 3/4 of my music and am waiting to hear if I have permission to shoot at my first choice for location. If not, I have a Plan B already in place and have emailed my cast and crew everything I think they need to know at this time. Now, even with all of that my film can be a bigger flop than Glitter and that’s ok! I’m a student, no one is expecting Hurt Locker. I will say this, my set will run as efficent as a German sports car! My crew may bitch and moan about my directing style but at least I will have one.

Wants some action on how much longer this can go? The over/under is November.

Or this:
“Hey, I took a poll and most of my friends would avenge my death!”
“Are you planning on dying soon?”
“No.”
“Let me guess, Criminal Minds? Law & Order? The Closer?”
“No!”
“Really?”
“Ok yes.”
“You really need a job.”

Ain’t that the truth.

Project: Hire Tex is in full effect. If you are the praying type, throw up a prayer for your girl. If you are not the praying type, how ’bout some good old fashion job vibes.

Spankx a million,
Tex

I am not in love but I think I may have been shot by Cupids bastard brother Maturity.

Normally if you don’t hear from me I am rocking in a corner eating a bag of Pepperidge Farm. This time I am just rocking!

Life is good. School is going well. I really love it and am trying to find ways to up my class load. I am a dedicated student and I make no apologies for it. There were a few times last quarter that I buggered off a few classes because…well…I just didn’t feel like going. This time around I am passing up concert tickets and road trips due to my schedule. Yes, party people, I passed up Pat Benatar so that I could paint with all the colors of the freakin’ wind in my color fundamentals class. That ain’t right and this behavior is spilling over into other areas of my life!

My bills are paid. All of them. Well at least the ones that HAVE to be paid every month. I am broker than broke. If someone where to accost me in a dark ally and demand my money or my life I’d say, “Dude, I have a KitKat in my wallet and about seven dollars in quarters but I was going to use that for laundry.” But I am looking for a job and am now willing to take something/anything just to get working again and to pay off more debt. How the heck did THAT happen?!

Then there are the boys. I am ready to start dating again and my taste in men has changed. No, I take that back. My taste in men has not changed so much as I am no longer into the meaningless sex and tomfoolery. I’m sorry but what is the point of screaming dieties for all of the major religions one minute but then have to turn around and explain that Prop 8 is NOT an energy drink. Sweet merciful Bosco, is great sex and stimulating conversation too much to ask? Dare I say it…I think I am ready for a relationship.

Hey did you notice that there is not one F bomb in this entire post? Yep, I am going all Eliza Doolittle and making myself into a lady. I’ve been trying to get through an entire day without cursing it’s been a week…This is def a process and not an event. LOL

That’s it for me.

Keep your chin and your boobs up.
Tex

I had dinner with JoyV, The Sports Writer and our friend TitaBaby. TitaBaby just came back to Houston after spending a year in hell McAllen. She was telling us non-parents tales of her adventures in the Parent Hood. Tales that include lines like, “My house is NOT a bordello!” And, “She tried to step to me and I was like ‘oh hell NO!” I don’t know. Hearing that come from a five foot nothing Filipino woman just cracks me up. God bless all of you who are raising the future of America.

Charlotte over at My Pixie Blog is thinking about getting a tattoo. Anyone who knows me knows that I am an enabler and that I like to say, “Do it! Do it!” I got mine on my 35th birthday and you can read all about it here. And you can see a picture of it here.

I have been smiling more. Don’t know what THAT’S about but I’ll take it.

Awhile ago my friend Ling called me resilient. I have been thinking about that and I have to say it has got to be one of the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me.

Another thing I have been thinking about is this little diddy that was in my in box the other day: Surrendering is not giving up. It is not compromising who you are. It is not turning your back on yourself. On the contrary, when you surrender, you actually become more of who you are meant to be. There is room in that “I don’t know” space to move around, try things on and practice. Practice new ways of thinking, speaking, listening, acting and being. In that space, you have an opportunity to practice being you with more awareness, a bigger heart and an increased ability to listen.

I was talking with my friend J Millions the other day and I told her that in giving up the struggle I am not giving up on myself I am giving into something bigger than myself. As soon as the words come out of my mouth I get an email from one of my teachers about an extra credit assignment I did. “Tex, don’t be afraid of your talent. You can be so much more than a working professional.” We’ll see.

Today I acknowledge myself for: Not freaking out when my school made a clerical error and I had to dig for some paperwork.
Today I acknowledge myself for: Admitting that I was pissed off at my mom and not eating my feelings
Today I acknowledge myself for: Admitting that I am lonely
Today I acknowledge myself for: Doing this list even though I am searching for stuff to acknowledge
Today I acknowledge myself for: I ate a salad when I really wanted a gallon of ice cream

That was tough for me so in the comments, today what do you acknowledge yourself for? Oh and tattoo stories for Charlotte!

Peace out and as always peace within.

Ok, yes. I am not really the outdoorsy type. I don’t hike because I am afraid I’d get eaten by a mountain lion. I don’t camp because I don’t like critters. Running isn’t my thing and my friend in Lake Tahoe always talks about bears and coyotes. BUT…I do like to swim. Leisure Learning has a class on Kayaking on the bay and damn it…I want to learn how to surf and waterski! Long story short: I want to be a black mermaid. So anyway, I joined the Outdoor Afro Ning group in hopes of finding tips on how to ease into this nature thing. Talk about out of the box? I blew that bitch up! (Not really but it makes me feel good to think that I could maybe be an outdoorsy chick. Complete with really cool REI gear!)

Today I acknowledge myself for:

1. I have beautiful skin. My nails grow long and pretty. My lashes are to DIE for
2. I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich
3. Even though I may be laughing AT you, I also laugh WITH you but most often I laugh at myself
4. I look much better when I smile
5. If you call me at 2:00 “just to talk” I’ll talk!

Tomorrow I will pick up on day 3 but until then party like the rock stars that you are.

Tex

I have been holding on for dear life to a life that has not been working. I feel as if I have been dangling over a cliff, desperately clawing my way back up to the point where my fingers were bloody nubs. Too frighten to move. Too frighten to let go. I was paralyzed and then you lovely ladies came to my rescue.

Something about the visual of you all being down the rabbit hole, waiting for me gave me great comfort. In my mind you are all patiently waiting, cocktails in hand, watching the door ready to ask, “Girl, what took you so long!”

Salmon are good and yummy fish but sucky role models. I have been fighting the current, trying to swim upstream, instead of just trusting that the current of my life would take me where I want to/need to be. To me surrender meant giving up. Now I see it as giving in to something much larger than myself.

I am getting ready to be ready. I am not there yet but soon like Alice I will be making at free fall and for the first time in a long time…I’m not scared.

Peace out and as always I wish you peace within.
Tex

That little diddy was in my inbox the other day and not a moment too soon. You see, about a week ago I was chatting with a friend when I said, “I am just so tired of struggling. I am tired of having to fight for everything. I am just tired.” So I asked myself, “What am I so tired of? What am I fighting?”

Deep down inside I know I know the answer. I have gone this far down the rabbit hole why am I resisting to go further?

(sigh)

Trying hard to keep my boobs and my chin up. (<— That was for you Charlotte)
Tex

“You are doing better than you think you are.” How you respond to this statements speaks to how you filter information. According to my girl, Rhonda, “How you process information creates your perceptions and perceptions create your world.”
If you respond with, “You don’t know me” you filter other peoples words and deeds with, “No one knows the real me.” Intimacy is not your thing and if you do ever really connect with people you have a hard time trusting they won’t go away. (That ain’t me.)
“I haven’t done enough.” Perfectionism is my, I mean your thing…Too bad you have little time to take care of you. You are the last person on your list.
“If I am doing better than I think I am then why don’t I feel better?” You feelings determine your day and your feelings override your logic. (Sounds like PMS to me, but what do I know?)
“I am?” Questioning everything is how you roll and compliments never stick.
“Don’t tell me that! I won’t stay motivated!” These people beat themselves up and accept negative criticism as fact. Never good enough they are committing to “fixing” themselves no matter what anyone says. (OMG I think that is ME! Fuck. SMH)
Then there are the normal people who say, “You bet I am! I’ve worked hard.” They have confidence and are good enough, smart enough and people really like them. (Yeah, I know not what she speaks of.)

Today I am suppose to make like Aretha Franklin and give me my propers. RB says, “Acknowledgments give you credit for the hard work you are doing. That is vital if you want to fulfill your potential. Don’t let your feelings decide if something matters; instead, focus on whether or not you took action rather than how you felt about it. Your negative feelings will be begin to subside when you start acknowledging yourself on a daily basis.”  I am supposed to find 50 things to acknowledge about myself. I will spare you the details but here are a few questions that got me thinking.

In what area of your life do you have a hard time giving yourself credit? I have a hard time giving myself credit for all of the good that I have done in the last year or so because I feel that I should have made better decisions in the first place.

In what area would you like to acknowledge yourself more? (sigh) I’m much smarter than I let on.

What could happen if you give yourself more credit? My head would explode.

Are you willing to give yourself more credit. Why not?!

Finally I am supposed to list five things that I acknowledge myself for everyday for the remainder of the 30 days. Small things to start so here are mine.

Today, I acknowledge myself for: Not letting the Cable Guy leave Green Eyes without making sure everything was done correctly. (I am not the attention to detail person)
Today, I acknowledge myself for: Reaching out to an old friend on Facebook. I think it was the first time I ever sent a friend request.

Today, I acknowledge myself for: Applying for a job that may be out of my league but if given the chance I think I can rock it!

Today, I acknowledge myself for: Not bursting into tears when I saw my bank account but instead started reading Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover.

Today, I acknowledge myself for: Blogging and continuing with the 30 day project. So tempted to wuss out. So tempted.

Tomorrow I will be building my confidence muscle but until then…Breath in and peace out.