Sigh.
Some teacher saw some spark in me and told my parents that I should get tested. It turns out that I am pretty bright and ever since I was in the third grade I have been told that I am special. That I am bright. Full of potential and oh so talented. Which don’t get me wrong is great, I mean it’s better than being told I am a dumb bunny and should never aspire to be more than some pimps bottom bitch. I’m just saying that it was a lot of pressure and any one who knows me as an adult knows that I don’t handle pressure well.
As a kid I used to think about killing myself a lot. I am sure some of it was brought on in part by all of those ABC After School Specials but some of it was just me being a dark kid. I ran away from home a few times, once for a long as a few days. After the hitchhikers I picked up outside of Huntsville, told me to take my candy ass home I drove to the end of my hole in the highway hometown, took a bunch a sleeping pills and waited to die. I didn’t. So I used the last of my cash for a Whataburger and went home. Knowing that I wasn’t going to be said home anytime soon…I drove slow. Real slow.
Want to know the real reason why I never went through with killing myself (besides my very low threshold of pain and stupidity)? A radio interview with I think Dolly Parton. I remember being fairly young, on punishment, in my room and listening to am radio. I can’t remember the show or how I even came across it but I remember Dolly Parton saying something to the effect that she once thought of killing herself but didn’t because she knew that she was meant for something big and if she killed herself she would never get to know what it was. In my mind if that reason was good enough for Dolly, it was good enough for me.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I am struggling.
I was chatting with a friend about my job when I worked for the O&G company and she asked, “But Tex, don’t you want more?” Uh, no. At the time I had a rocking good job that matched my 401 dollar for dollar. I had health insurance. A boyfriend that loved me. Friends and family that adored me and a swinging social life. I never defined myself by my job and honestly I was happy. Really, who could ask for anything more?
More.
I have this nagging feeling that I am supposed to be doing more. It has become one of the louder voices in my head. “Tex, you don’t need medication you just need to get up off your duff and do something.” Fuck that. I want the meds. Maybe it will shut one particular voice up.
“Jesus, Tex are you kidding me?! Are you really going to squander your just shy of Mensa, not quite beautiful but cute on a good day mind on bullshit?” Uh, excuse me. Finding new and exciting ways to hide the big zit on my forehead without the use of bangs is not bullshit, thankyouverymuch. Memo to Self: If you are not Carmello, leave the sweatband at home.
“Tex, all bullshit aside. You survived a near fatal auto accident, where they had to cut you out of the car. You survived two golf ball sized blood clots in your lungs. Most people are dead before they hit the floor and you were up, alert and joking with the EMT’s who brought you in within 48 hours! That shit doesn’t just happen. You are here for a reason and to quote your Happy Head Person, ‘You are too smart, and too talented not to be living up to your divine potential.’ Heifer, you are not getting any younger get it together!” Shut up shut up shut up! I don’t hear you. I don’t hear you. La la la la la la la.
Underachiever.
So I realized the other day while boo hooing in my shower that the reason I am chock full of angst is not because I am broke, fat and have unruly hair. The reason I am chock full of angst is because I am a classic underachiever who has no idea what the hell it is I am supposed to achieve. The yearbook answer is, “Tex you can do whatever you want to and put your mind to do!” But what if I don’t know? What if I am tired of playing 20 Questions with the Universe? Would it be so bad if my life purpose was not bigger than a breadbox? Would my life be considered a waste if all I ever did was keep a roof over my head, sushi in my belly and obscure french jazz singers in my iTunes? Me thinks not.
Dark and twisty can be a thing of my past if I just stop chasing this so called potential (that I don’t know what the hell to do with anyway) and just take a deep breath and be.
In the comments: Where do you go on the web to lighten your mood? Send me someplace fun.
I hear you. I think the problem with all us underachievers is that we think we should be achieving something BIG right at this very moment.
It takes many steps to get there, though. The important thing is to make sure that you can support yourself first and foremost. So it doesn’t matter what job you’re doing as long as it helps you pay your bills comfortably.
Then, when you’re home, you can work on the things that make you happy…such as writing or designing or whatever feeds your creativity. You never know what will come out of it.
Also working on your health will in the long term lift your spirits which then will bring hope which then would….
Well you get the picture. It’s a domino effect.
We don’t have to know where we’re going to end up. We’ll find out when we get there!
Just make the getting there as interesting and fulfilling as we possibly can.
And you can listen to your really cool jazz singers as you travel!
This comment box is pressuring me to say something profound and therapeutic all at once, but I gots nothing. You are indeed here for a reason, even if it’s hidden most days beneath the rubble.
So I had a dream last night that Dr. House was signing me up for graduate classes at the University of Greenville (OMG my dreams are so weird). Even though I kicking some O Chem ass, he asked me what I wanted to with my life. In my dream I had no idea, and it was terrifying. It took me a couple of minutes after I woke up to realize that I have a job!
I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. I don’t think keeping a roof over your head and sushi in your belly (sushi is more expensive than hamburgers) and obscure French jazz on iTunes (shows you have a definitive taste in music that requires comprehensive thought). If you were an underachiever, you’d be in low-income government housing and eating McDonalds while listening to Britney Spears.
As much as you might think other people have it all, doesn’t mean they know what’s their purpose here in life. I still ask that question everyday. At the same time, it’s not about the destination, it’s more about the journey itself. And it’s not based on someone else expectation of you.
You’re a survivor in many ways and you inspired people (eventhough you think you don’t). Just keep your chin & boobs up.
Hey, Willie didn’t get famous till his 40s, you just never know.
Dress up even if you just go to grocery. You’ll feel better when you take care of yourself. And smile, it’s contagious.
Don’t hit me for my long post, you know I love you!:)
I’ve got to side with Sarah. You aren’t an Underachiever, my dear. Nothing about your tastes and how you carry yourself says Underachiever. Whenever you need someone to remind you of such, you just let us know and we’ll happily tell you what you know in your head and your heart and just need assurance that you’re not crazy and it is so.
However– are you doing what you WANT to do? And that which you WANT to do, can it be done realistically? If so, what would it take to get there? Begin to plod your steps.
What calms me is writing things out,as you’ve done, here. Getting it allll out in the open, and off your chest is catharthic, no?
And then making a plan, with a deadline and everything, and then setting out your teeny weeny baby steps to getting there. And following said plan and steps.
Perhaps the pressure is waking up everyday and thinking that you should have ‘made it’ by now… when it’s not really ‘making it’, it’s the journey to ‘it’ that’s important!
I think that you are absolutely brilliant & I also think that you Know what you want to do, you just aren’t quite sure how to get there. Maybe looking for a sign or some true divine intervention? I guess from an outsider’s point of view, we see all these amazing things in you & really just want you to be happy & realize the things that we do about you
But if you chooses to get a job that pays the bills, affords you tivo & travel account, then so be it! It’s your life!! You are still the same funny, beautiful, warm, kind & loving Tex, – just with steady income & health insurance. It frees up stress & let’s you get on a path that you ultimately choose.
I can’t imagine what my life was before I met you. I love you so much as a friend & just wish you all the happiness you want!
Oh & I am digging this new website!!!
http://www.nerve.com – some seriously funny shizz
Thanks guys. I have having a bit of a hissy fit when I grabbed the laptop and started banging away last night.
Thanks again,
Tex