Saturday I ran the audition process for a movie that I have been asked to work on. After my day was done I went out for pizza and beer with my new friend (and I use the word loosely) Anthony. Turns out that Anthony has passed the venue a few times and saw me through the window. He says, “Every time I passed by there you were smiling. I had to meet you.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I has sneaking shots of vanilla vodka to keep from bursting into tears and besides, flattery will get you everywhere so away I went. (Didn’t hurt that he was very easy on the eyes.)
Anthony is fascinating and it turns out we have a lot in common. We are both black (shut up Joy, Dom, Kim and Vera) with Latino last names and have funny stories to go with them. We both have/had learning disabilities that made school difficult. We both have cool tattoos, think Trojan Supra Microsheer condoms are the best thing since water based lubes and agree that anytime is a good time for an Irish Car Bomb. Another thing we have in common? We are both open books.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am pretty open about my life. If you ask, I’m gonna tell. Every now and then I’d bust out with something inappropriate but it’s usually with people I know and love. Anthony on the other hand? Let’s put it like this, if I am an open book, Anthony is the Library of Congress. I won’t go into details because they are not mine to give but I will say this: several times during our time together I said, “Dude! Too much too soon!”
Anthony has no filter. It was both refreshing and disconcerting. It was refreshing because he said what was on his mind but he wasn’t an ass about it. No alpha male chest thumping just good old fashion honesty. It was disconcerting because he shared things with me that I wouldn’t share with people I have known all of my adult life. As our time together was winding down I asked him, “So, what happened to your social filter?”
He said, “Tex, I just told you my life story. Why should I hide? People are either going to get me or they are not. You seem to get me but if you didn’t no big deal. You would just be the girl with pretty eyes and a nice smile who I shared a pizza with.” *swoon* It seems as if Anthony has left the tribe. He is what Wayne Dyers calls a Self -Actualized person, someone who is independent of the good opinion of other people. What I wouldn’t give to be independent of the good opinion of other people!
I have some decisions that I have to make in the next few weeks and if left to my own devices I know what I would do. However, I am still very much in the tribe. There are opinions that I still very much care about, some more than others, but still care about none the less. I realized yesterday that a lot of my angst could be alleviated if I would just become independent of the good opinion of other people. Live my life and just leave the tribe already or rather recreate my tribe.
I don’t know if I will ever hang with No Filter Anthony again but I believe that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I think Anthony came into my life as a reminder that it is time for me to become the Self Actualized person I know I can be.
Don’t for one moment think that I am not scared shitless. This could easily blow up in my face and I could easily end up like Howard Fucking Hughes, crazy and alone. Or this could be the first step of me really living my life and the end of the angst.
Peace out party people, and as always I wish you peace within.
Tex
Uh.
So ya’ll are both black, huh?
*sniggle*
Does he also eat frappeed goose on crustini with a side of fois gras, chutney, complemented by Dom Perignon?
Ol bougie ass…. LMAO
Make the decisions based on your own mind and wellbeing. Those that love you will continue to do so, and you’ll be proud of yourself for finally taking a bold step toward independence.
CJ: HA! His eyes lit up when I told him about my fav sandwich: Smoked turkey and bacon on sourdough with a cranberry feta spread. Yum oh!
Green: That is sooo much easier said than done! We’ll see what happens!
Why you tell me to shut up??
Some decision will definitely scare the shit out of you, but those are usually worth it, even when it didn’t work the way you want it. It will still be worth it, because it will enrich you. Speaking from experience. 
Dude! That shit only happens in movies & books. That is awesome he stopped by because he just had too
Ha! I could only dream that would happen to me.
It is scary to just be, but your just be is already in the throes of awesomeness in my opinion. Nothing wrong with asking advice, but going at it as your own ain’t too shabby. Rock it Tex!! Throwing in some Jazz Hands for good measure.
xxoo
PS-I love the new design of your Blog!
Wirianta: You give me all kinds of giggles! And you are right, even if this blows up I will be ok. If nothing else it will give me something to blog about!LOL
AJ: Remember when we were at the liquor store and the clerk told you, “Your friend…she has good energy.” It was like that but better cause homie was CUTE!
Sex should be happening sooner than later. Better than happy pills if he is not crazy and if he knows what he’s doing.
Girl, you know I love ya’.
Yes, it’s easier said than done to stop caring about what the others think, but the Universe has been sending you messages for awhile that IT IS TIME to let that go.
You will always find excuses for hiding out and playing small. But sooner or later, the pain will be too great and you’ll have to let go of what *they* think and JUST BE FAN-TABULOUS YOU!!!!
Great story, so glad you had a fun date
I too have been held prisoner by the opinions of other people. What I try to remind myself of those people judging me: that they don’t care (or are oblivious to) what I think about them.
It makes the idea of letting go a lot easier.