Journey To Blissville

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

I think it’s time to blossom and I have some work to do.

When I met Rhonda Britten in 2004 she signed my copy of Change Your Life In 30 Days, Tex- Be fearlessly YOU! That book has been at the base of Mt. Bookaminjaro for years. Today I dusted it off and went to work.

Today, Practice Being True to Yourself

Discovering the true you begins as a journey that begins today. Please answer the following questions and be a thorough and as honest as you can.

1. How would being true to yourself change your life? I would finally live the life I always thought I should be living but was too afraid to do so. I’d finally be centered and no longer labeled as “flakey.” Pie crust are flakey, not people.
2. If you were true to yourself, what are you afraid might happen? People would realize that I am bitchy at my core. I wouldn’t be able to live up to my own hype. (Ugh, really? Live up to your own hype? Tex, you have more work than even I, your inner princess, thought. Own hype. Ha! What hype? Silly.)
3. What has stopped your before from becoming the best you possible? I can honestly say that until last week I knew something was missing but I didn’t know what it was. Or rather what I thought was no big deal turned out to be the very thing that was holding me back. Denial is a mother fucker.
4. Describe the you that you want to be like in 30 days? I want to be closer to my old self but better. Tex 2.0! The meds help me go from crying in the corner eating a bag of Milanos to being ready to take the first steps to becoming the person I know I could be. At the end of the 30 days I want to feel stronger and more sure of myself.
5. What is the one thing you are willing to do today to be more true to yourself? Uh, I am posting this for all of the interwebs to see and I am not worried about being judged.

Looks like my blog is about to get boring lol.

Working hard to keep my chin and my DD’s up,
Tex

Back in late April early May (I don’t remember) my worse nightmare came to pass. My landlord entered my apartment and saw the disarray. When I said that I was a Cathy comic away from being on Hoarders, I wasn’t joking. She flat out asked me if I was depressed and I confessed that I was. She told me to get it together and I did. I hired a cleaning crew that came in (June 1) and spent eight hours cleaning my place. It was very hard for me. I was chock full of anxiety. Not because I was sad to let shit go, but because I was ashamed that it had gotten so far out of hand. Luckily, my girl Green Eyes was there to hold my hand and make sure I didn’t freak out. I now love being in my apartment and not nearly as embarrassed to have people over. Yea me.

That same week I came up with the most fab idea for Oprah’s Host Your Own Show on OWN. Floated the idea to all of the important people in my life and they gave me the green light to go for it. I did and then I didn’t. No yea for me.

My doctors office stalked me because I never went for my 30 day check up. Happy Head Meds are das bomb. Pills that help me seduce the Sandman so that we can make sweet sweet love? Not so much. I am averaging about four hours a night. I can fall asleep, I can’t stay asleep. This sucks big Moby Dick and I am cranky all of the time. Sucketh. But…I am now the proud owner of a pretty pretty bottle of phentermine to help with my weight loss (don’t judge me) so I am very happy about that. Operation:Pencil Skirt is so on!

Around mid month Fringes introduced me to the Private Concert. That is where recording artist come to your home and play all of your favorite songs. It was so cool to hang in an artist loft and be able to chat with the musicians while they are choosing songs for the set list. Even if it was just for one night, I felt like a pretty pretty princess again. :wistful smile:

Here is where that wistful smile gets wiped off my face. When the cleaning crew came they did a very thorough job. So thorough that they threw everything in my icebox away. The takeout boxes from May and the groceries I had gotten the week before. The only thing I had in my icebox was a few bottles of wine, coffee creamer and baking soda. I had to put my pride aside and go on food stamps. Oh, but don’t worry my Tea Party friends. I am not a deadbeat mooching off your tax dollars. I am only getting $16 a month and I promise that I will be a productive member of society soon. In the mean time thank you for help.

I failed my audio class. DamnitDamnitSonOfABitch! I can record that for you and play it back on a Mackie 32:8 audio board but I’m still an audio short buser.

As you can imagine the stress was quite a bitch. At my last appointment with my Happy Head Person she asked me to keep an Anger Journal. “Part of your weight issue is unexpressed anger, before you eat write down why you are angry. It can be from anytime in your life just write.” Uh no. I hated that idea and rebelled like the good Catholic school girl I am. I didn’t do the journal. One stormy night after eating too many slices of pizza a banged out an e-mail to HHP listing the top ten reasons I was/am angry. Most of it was run of the mill stuff. I haven’t had a full time job since July 2008. I’m depressed. I’m broke. I’m lonely. I was raped twice whenI was 14. Once in the summer between my 8th grade and freshman year and again in the winter during a school trip. :insert car crash sound effect:

Yes, party people, I am a sterotype. A cliche. A walking, talking ABC After School Special. :roll eyes so far back you can see your spine:

A week ago I had a very intense two hour session where I cried 24 years worth of tears and finally realized that it really wasn’t my fault. (Not really. I still feel stupid and pissed off but I am working on it. Crying instead of eating is new.)

My past is my past, I am dealing with it now and I look forward to my future. I feel better. I am ok. All I can do is keep on keeping on.

Since that session I have had a few job leads. One even that will get me back to the lifestyle of a pretty pretty princess. School starts soon and I am going to kick ass and take names. Audio Will. Be. My. bitch. :think Eye of the Tiger:

That’s it. My 30 day month in no less than 900 words. I hope you all are well and not wilting in the summer heat.

Peace out and as always I wish you peace within.
Tex

I got the coolest e-mail from a reader in New York! : holding up the Zippo singing Now you’re in New York, these streets will make you feel brand new, the lights will inspire you, lets here it for New York, New York, New York: ( I was going to rap but I promised my friends I wouldn’t do that in public anymore.) Anyhoo, NY Readers said that they really enjoyed my no nonsense blog! That e-mail made my day. Made my day, I say!

I had the pleasure of chatting with the lovely and oh so talented Sarah of He Loves Me Not. All I can say is Whoo To The Fab Blogger Hoo! Sarah rocks the blog hizzy and if you don’t start reading (and loving) her blog the terrorist win. She is as delightful as I imagined and I on the other hand spoke too much and too fast. What can I say, I gotta be me! LOL

One of my gay boyfriends just got his real estate license and is now a bona fide picture his business card realtor. One of my friends and fellow blogger Fringes, needed to find a new home. His chocolate met her peanut butter and they are working on a deal. Whoo to the new client/new home hoo! Now, I know this has nothing to do with me but because of this new relationship between those two I got to hang out with two of the coolest people on this planet…Fringes kids! We played rocked band, watched a movie and I suspect that I am mom’s odd friend to them but I got a kick out of those two!

My friend J Millions and I have been talking about my 40th birthday since LAST YEAR. A few weeks ago we decided to go to Hawaii next year as part of my countdown to 40 extravaganza. I thought I wanted to do another trip with some girlfriends but then I watched the Real Housewives of New York City and saw how Ramona’s trip went. Ekk! I think I will nix the whole girls trip thing and do surf camp instead. Anyway want to go to  Costa Rica for a week? May or June of 2011? Eh, let me know.

Had the best curry in Houston this week at The Red Lion Pub with my friend Reagan! Red Lion was featured on The Food Networks Diners Drive In And Dives and it’s in MY neighborhood. Woot.

Finally…I got to spend some quality time not once but TWICE with my girl Green Eyes! She is recovering at home from a procedure that will keep her home for a full two weeks. We had lots of giggles but she still needs your healing vibes so feel free to send her some lovin!

Have a SAFE weekend. Party like the rock stars you are. Breath in…and peace out!
TEX!

Ity’s been quite some time since I have been fushinkin and even longer since I have blogged while I was in this condition so guess what? IT”S DRUNK BLOG TIME! Whoo to th e martini hoo!

So today was a big day. My have been sending good loving positive vibes to bot one but TWO friends who have had proceedures today in the hospital. You send good vibes too. Ok good. My friends are saying thank you or rather I am saying thank you for them because well they are in the hospoital and I doubt they are reading my bloig now.

So uh you see the tab thing on top that filom scholl foillie THAT is where I am going to post my film scholl projects and guess whta? I AM SHOOTING MY FIRST STIDENT FILM IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS!! holi hootie and the blowfish homeboy just shot the doctor with the short haoir AND Karev omg not alex…why didn’t someone shoot Izzy? Is it me or is she very annoying, Like really how did SHE beocme the break out star?

I am so happy. not just because I have a good buzz but because I am in school and I am ckicking so much ass it’s nutzy coo coo. Its like i totally rule and I am not even trying. I RULE! I rule I shout it from the rooftop if i’d had one when i was super dupor depressed my friend Kim told me that I have nice nails and eyelashes. That if I ever needed something to hold on to to hold on to the fact that I have great lashes. so not only do I have great nails and lashes I have a great life and I have great friuends like Jen and casey and kim and joy and billy and Erika and the guy how calls me shorty,m i luke being called shorty and brandon he’s my firned i like brandon and I like sarah I like sarah and dom and and have your read charlets blog? she is single and fabulus. I like her too. Did i mention that rule. cause I do. My friend jill says I am a rock star. I like the song rock star with Kid Rock and my rap baby daddy luda my friend Melissa she owns redlightfitness.com she like dirty nasty rap and when I hear dirty nasty rap I think of her not in the prision way but in the oh! my friend mely mel likes dirty nastyrap i better call her

ok more people are dying on greys i need to pat attentgion

peace out party peoipl and if you are lucky you will find pece within.

Hula in the new holla
tex

ps: i stopped taking my meds and got major lectures from not one not two but like three peopel so I am going to take my meds and head to ned after Greys. I was going to stpryboard my super duper ab student film but yeah I don’t think that’s going to happen. Who does depression hurt? Everyone. hahahahah not really. mental isllness is no laughing matter even though I cam cracking myself up right now. Hey corky’s dasd is a cop on greys!

One of the things that I have recently learned about myself is that sometimes I receive information as if it were taped delayed for the west coast. Don’t believe me? Remember back in March when I got to meet one of my sheros Rhonda Britten? Well during that talk she said something that at the time made me think, “Well that makes perfect sense” but it wasn’t until last night that the Al Gore approved spiral light bulb went off over my head!

Rhonda told the story of how when Andy Paige was starting out she was worried that not everyone who get her brand of style. Rhonda says that the world can be divided into three kinds of people: Those Who Love You, Those Who Hate You and Those Who Couldn’t Care Less About You. She says that you are not going to reach two thirds of the people out there so focus on the third that you can. I know I should have had a V-8. :rolleyes:

I signed up for a 30 days to build a better blog thing and was pretty excited. I even posted about how I was expecting a few new visitors to Blissville and was going to try to go 30 F Bomb Free days but when I went back to check the feedback my feelings were hurt. Someone said, “I don’t know what I read here, but it is truly disturbing! And I don’t use the word “disturbing” in a good way!” Thankfully, Stuart over at ChurchTechy.com very kindly asked for more info and it turned out that the person thought my subject matter was vulgar and took offense to my language. Since then I have not posted any of my stuff there and have just been lurking on a few blogs. I know, I know it’s silly but so am I.

He’s part of the two thirds of the population that wouldn’t think to vacation on Blissville. No worries, I honor and respect all paths and long time readers know that I really don’t poo poo dreams, ideas or opinions. This has become important to me because as a film maker I have to realize that people will either love my work, hate my work or say, “Tex Who?”

Bottom line? The only thing that is thin about me is my skin and that has to change.

Growth is a process, people. Not an event.

So, what have you learned about yourself lately? I just realized that I hate Peanut Butter M&M’s, who knew?! LOL

Peace out and as always I wish you peace within,
Tex

I am resetting some priorities.

Moving somethings around.

In my dreams I sell everything I own and start anew in a city far far away.

In reality.

In reality I just keep going because that is life.

Peace out and within and all that jazz.

Oh happy day! I am so super excited I can burst! Wanna know why? Of course you do!

So remember how I was chock full of angst about not fitting in at school? How I was torn about editing my thoughts in my mandatory class journals? How I freaking out about my age? ALL THAT IS OVAH!

Let’s starts with my journals. We have to write a journal entry each week with our thoughts on class. I wrote my journals like I write my blog. I write. I try to spell check. I hit publish and walk away. Which is fine here because it’s MY blog but for something my teacher is going to read? I was worried. I decided that I was just going to go with it AND IT PAID OFF!

Diddies like, “Finally he gives us his e-mail and tells us to feel free to look him up on Facebook. Dude, don’t you know that the moment you wrote your name on the board that I Goggled you, looked at your IMDB page, checked to see if you were a member of the director and writers guild, clandestinely snapped a photo and sent it to my girlfriend and had I had Big Bertha, my Macbook Pro, with me would have had a Google Earth image of your house. Not really. That would be stalkerish. I am thorough…BIG difference.”

And “So at the same happy hour I asked, “What was the last smart black movie you saw?” Crickets. Everyone sat there making the Botox face!” HE LOVED THEM! When we got back from break I saw that he had mine on top and asked if he had graded them already. He smiled and I told him that I was going to edit but, “It’s MY journal!” he said, “No! Don’t ever edit! It good!” YEA ME! (insert happy dance complete with jazz hands.)

But wait…there’s more…

My mind is chock full of useless trivia. I couldn’t tell you what year The Federalist Papers were written but I sure as hell can tell you who the Sausage King Of Chicago is according to Ferris Bueller. Last night we split up into groups and played a movie trivia game and MY TEAM WON! Most people know that I am not very competitive but last night…my team needed me and all of that useless trivia came rushing to me and badda boom…badda bing me knowing that the number of Von Trapp children, a very famous scene from Rear Window and the plot of Some Like It Hot came in handy.

The best part about all of this is that I finally relaxed. I didn’t need to be the best and I didn’t freak when I gave the wrong answer. It was just a game and I treated it as such. Another good thing that happened last night was my classmates finally started to talk me. I think that has alot to do with me finally relaxing but when my team started calling me Google Girl and Wiki Tex I felt like Champion Charlie Brown. “First a beginner now he’s a winner…Champion Charlie Brown!” (I searched the interwebs for a video and couldn’t fine one. Insert sad face)

Well that’s it for now. I have flash cards to make for my audio mid term on Saturday.

Peace out party people and as always I wish you peace within!